Trashcan Head

Okay, so I didn't take any pictures this weekend because Adam and I really didn't do anything. We lounged around in love. This may sound obvious, but I am glad that I married someone that I loved. I think in the past, though I had great claims and excuses in my trashcan head as to why I wanted to marry someone, love was probably never the final conclusion. I never really said aloud that I wanted to marry the men that I dated (except 1 possibly 2 that I can think of) but, let me tell you, I did the cursive writing name test, concocted weddings in my head and did every harmful thing possible to create a marriage idol. Well, thankfully God ignored my idiocy (save the repercussions of having idols) and gave me the true desires of my heart. We have our days as sure as Jesus is the Son of God, but we both seek to have a God glorifying marriage and try to take a machete to our flesh when it rises up. Tough to do, but worth it every time.

That's a total side note. I am blogging because I have actually been thinking a lot lately as I read the scriptures about my ultimate standard and this trashcan head of mine. (The one that almost landed me in a loveless marriage as well as many other horrible fates) Don't try to think too deeply about what I could mean by trashcan head, I literally mean that my head at times doubles as a trashcan. Yes, trashcan as defined, "a bin that holds rubbish." Pretty simple. Over the years my earnest heart has been to know and love, enjoy and to be whisked away by the things of Christ. At no point in my life have I been more aware that I long for that to be my reality then at this point in my life. I have a husband that loves the things of the Lord, I am in a discipleship training program that puts the importance of spirit over flesh in front of my face twice a week and I have a spirit inside of me that testifies to the truth. I am surrounded, but some days I refuse to surrender and just come out with my hands up.

I have a job that is a blessing, but on days that I don't look closely I call it boring, brain cell depleting and other creative complaints that no American has ever thought to call their job. And it really is just sinful. I spend my work days in between answering calls looking at CNN.com to find out that, "yep, the world still sucks," and guess what happens to me then... I go home thinking someone is lurking to kidnap me because I read 50 stories about abducted women. I daydream that terrorists will crash into my building because I work on the 32nd floor and I pray and get upset that celebrities die without Jesus when people are dying around me without Him everyday in my very own neighborhood with no more than a tiny pang in my heart. When CNN is just too much for me I go to people.com or concreteloop.com to just "escape." These sites are really just gossip disguised at Hollywood updates. Why I care what Angelina wore to the SAG awards or that Cindy Famous is normal like me because she goes to the grocery store is beyond me, but I read it...open my trashcan head and add more rubbish. How does that affect me? I start thinking..."I really could be a famous singer and still love Jesus, surely I can promote the Lord in between promoting myself for a living...surely theres a way!" This is what I do at work most days, save a few spiritual moments when I see that this place could be a six hour quiet time or six hours of organizing my life or thinking of how to be a creative wife, but as quickly as those thoughts enter my head, I push them out, compact the truth that I learn throughout the week and make room for more trash. And its literally killing me.

When I dwell on things other than the Lord, the world begins to etch its way into a spot in my life marked "STANDARD." Although cognitively I know that the world is not the standard, the more I indulge in those mindless things the more they set up shop in my head and slowly flow down into my heart. Honestly, I can only compact this trash into my head so far until it begins to make room in my head by filling up my heart. I hate this. This is one of my many childish things that I want to put away as I strive to be like my Example. One of the verses that I have been thinking on this past week has been Philippians 1:9-11 "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ, having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." I am not approving what is excellent. Some days I do, but by the grace of my Lord I want to to go from some to most. I know which scriptures to jot down on this blog to create the illusion that I am near to getting the hang of this stronghold, but that would just be me pretending like I know what I need to focus on, when though I do, I don't. I want my life to match my doctrine. (1 Tim 4:16 NIV) I want to empty my trashcan head and fully soak in and LIVE the things that I know glorify the Lord. My doctrine is fine. Pray for my life!

Til Later,